The sun came out today and suddenly there were 2 courgettes, some spinach and some lettuce leaves ready to pick! I have left them in till the last possible moment but we will have them soon for tea. I couldn’t resist picking a leaf of spinach and rolling it with a lettuce leaf to eat. Every day Im learning something new, there is so much information out there I have to be careful not to spook myself. Its easy to get carried away and then feel inadequate so I’m sticking to my baby steps plan which works by just letting me learn as I go along.
I learnt that courgettes have male and female flowers ( the female ones are the ones with the ccourgettes behind them). You can eat the flowers, frying them in batter, stuffing them or even in pasta. I’ve not tried that yet.
Today I got two sons ( 21 and 17) to help me lift a heavy old white butlers sink form where it had got embedded in the lawn. When we had some building work done it got moved form its previous place and had begun to take root. A few days ago I dug out the old leggy and sad looking herbs and now it is refilled with yummy new compost and nurturing a daisy and ageranium by the kitchen door. I sprinkled some nasturium seeds round the edge so we will see what comes up.
My next prject was to do something with the holein the ground where the sink had been. I had thought of just re-seeding it but the possession of some organic herb seeds and the bargain basement buy of 4 basil plants in desperate need of a home inspired a herb garden project.
A couple of hours later and with some recycled lawn edging from my pile at the bottom of the garden, we now have basil plants and seeds of borage, lemon balm and dill.
Why I am not thin as a rake I really don’t know!
Today is a duvet day, a can’t be bothered to shower, its 11am and Im still fiddling about with facebook and games, a flat, turn off the phone, don’t want to talk, where’s the chocolate sort of day.
Two steps forward and three back is how it feels at the moment. I realise how I can get knocked back into anxiety and low mood with a difficult phone call, someone else’s expectations or a meeting about work that brings me down. I know I’m wobbly when walking round the supermarket is a challenge, when I’d like to hide behind my sunglasses and when getting dressed is too much effort.
I’ve learnt, like many, that making the effort, putting on the face and the earrings helps. Today I skipped the shower ( saving water and Im not that dirty is my excuse,) but I ironed my trousers, put on a cheerful top and stuck the earrings in. I’ve stripped the bed and put a wash on. The house is quiet and the silence soothes me.
There are things I could do that would help. Im trying to separate could from should. Should is guilt filled expectation, my inner critical parent who nags and undermines, constantly telling me I’m just not good enough. Well who needs that?!
I have some thinking to do, a quiet mediatative sort of day might help with that, but only if I can avoid distracting myself with mindless fiddling. There is a sort of rythymn to listen to in this, a pattern underneath, a whisper of knowing
for all of you with that love hate relationship with fb xx
Watched the final last night of Junior Apprentice. Is it just me or are some of those kids seriously scary, esp. Zoe and the dark haired girl ( the good looking one as 17 son says). Watching Kirsty and Zoe was like watching the archetypal wicked stepmother with her feisty but slightly socially unaware child. The group of 10 candidates illustrated perfectly the 16/17 year old stages of development from man to boy, woman to child. The really sad thing for me about this programme is that the messgage that seems to have got through from the adult versions is that you have to be not just competitive but be prepared to stamp over everyone else in your obsessively driven drive for the big buck. And the way in which they all have to sit in the boardroom waiting for ‘Lord Sugar’ to come in and then all parrot ‘good morning Lord Sugar’ like kids in primary school is symptomatic of the power driven craziness.
So waht keeps me watching? Well for one things it is one of theose familt telly things like Britains Got Talent, the boys leave their xbox live or whatever facebook chat and join us. It brings a warm glow to my poor maternal heart LOL. Plus Im an inveterate people watcher,there is nothing better than observing the dynamics, clothes, behaviour and just non stop fascination of this wonderful unique species that we are! And to sit with friends / family and then dicuss every detail of who said what, why they did that etc etc is just bliss. people think social workers and therapists are nosy, no, no, no we are just eternally fascinated by the miracle of humanity!
Oh and don’t get me started on people and their pets! More later LOL
Went to take library books back today, only a day late so the sum of £1.08 was handed over, still a lot cheaper than buying them! I love libraries, this is just a local suburban one so sometimes you have to wait for a book by an author you like but as Im a pretty eclectic reader that doesn/t affect me much.
Todays haul made me smile as it seems pretty symptomatic of life right now, it included :
‘The essential book of Feng Shui’
‘Slugs pests and diseases’
Sleep better naturally
Sucking eggs – what your wartime granny could teach you
‘A Free spirit’ the power of the mind
and then a collection of novels of the non-demanding kind. A Val McDermid, ( seriously good) Nora Roberts ( my inner Barbie), Jayne Ann Krantz ( ghost whisper-ish), Priscilla Masters ( local author detective fiction – its only write to support her ( groan) and a well loved Dorothy Sayers.
Oh and a book on keeping chickens ( something to think about for the future).
So now we can work on the sleeping (T), get the house decluttered and feng-shuid and all live happily ever after. That is until I find something else to focus on!
Thanks to my facebook friends Im getting advice re slugs, must buy some beer later and make them slug traps to entice them away from my dwindling squash.
Also today negotiated aging mum with signs of dementia in taking dog to vets. I found myself babbling silently to myself, ‘All is well, everything works together for my highest good. out of this situation only good can come. I am safe’. Thanks Louise Hay, breathing I find helps quite a bit too.
Just waiting for mana to come and look at apple tree in garden, its in desperate need of a designer trim which is Im sure completely the wrong time of year. But if its not done soon I think the neighbours might get grumpy. Personally i’d be glad of the apples which tumble over their side of the hedge but then I don’y feel the need to trim my daffodils to the same height all round.
So I had that meeting today and we agreed some stuff. It looks like Im going to be going back to a job I can really love with great people. To start with we’re looking at a temporary fix and Im sitting here pondering if my request to the ‘cosmic kitchen’ was a litle vague too.
I have asked to be redeployed into a therapeutic rather management role and since then its been like the proverbial weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Interestingly, and not so co-incidentally, since then too Im happier ( if a little emotional), eating better ( no chocolate binges) and beginning to remember who I am.
Something about letting go of that situation has set me free. And let someone else have the opportunity to love my old job.
Im working on some daily affirmations using some affirmation cards from Louise Hay. These are the ones that are rocking my world right now :
Life is simple and easy – All that i need to know at any given moment is revealed to me. I trust myself and I trust life. All is well ( life is simple and easy well who’d a thought it LOL)
I release all criticsm ( of myself and others – boy do I need to work with this one) I only give out that which I wish to receive in return. My love and acceptance of others is mirrored to me in every moment
I express my creativity – My unique and creative talents and abilities flow through me and are expressed in deeply satisfying ways. My creativity is always in demand.
Over the last few months Ive been taking stock of life, work and all. I came to a bit of a crashing halt after getting seriously burnt out in my management role in health services and have had to work my way through anxiety and depression, some dark days and nights. I’ve been sad, angry, irrational and exhausted. No fun to live with as my partner and kids can testify to I’m sure. Day by day and step by step I have been coming back. I got love and support form family and friends. I am doing some work with a great therapist who treats me holistically with talking and reiki / healing work. We have explored health, life, work and happiness and its all in the context of the here and now. And Im still taking the tablets too 🙂
I know some people get worried about the idea of anti-depressant / anti-anxiety meds but for me at this time they have been a gift. Enough to take the edge off, support me in getting steady and given me a foundation from which I can make some real changes. Dont knock it!
As part of my journey back to health I thought a blog might be fun. I can feel the creative juices beginning to flow a little after some desert time and think this might be a way to share some of my musings, planning and wild and wonderful ideas.
Currently Im working on meditation and mindfulness with special reference to Louise L Hay ‘ You can heal your Life’. Getting my food back on track with reference to Kathleen DesMaisons ‘Potatoes not Prozac’ and ‘The Sugar addicts Total Recovery Plan’.
Im sitting at my kitchen table, it is raining gently outside and Im glad for my newly planted veggies instead of feeling sad at the loss of sunshine!
Today I have a meeting to talk about a new role at work. I am visualising only good things, creative, happy satisfying work with wonderful people! What could possibly go wrong? LOL
I mentioned the veggies. Oh Im so excited about that. It’s a new thing for me. I have always been half held back in my gardening plans by believing I don’t really know what to do, or how to do it ‘properly’! I think my streak of perfectionism got in the way there. So as I am beginning to feel the energy start to flow again, tackling the wasteland that is our garden seemed like a project I might have fun with. The first thing was not to scare myself! I don’t have to do it ALL in one day ( no really). So I started with a patch about 3′ square and started to clear the weeds. Wow. The ground was rock hard the weeds put up a fight but after several mugs of tea and with muscles aching that I didn’t know I had it got done. I covered it with black material that stops the weeds coming through and planted my first veg – 2 squashes.
Getting the bit firmly btween my teeth I have become a garden centre stalker and have to keep visiting them to see what the latest veggies are in plug plants!
I have containers of courgettes, peppers and tomatoes and a pot of dwarf runner beans. Two tiny strawberry plants are now in the top of an old chimney pot where I hope they will tumble down.
Im getting a whole new perspective on predators and pests. Slugs have never been my favourite creature, I mean I wouldn’t have chose one as a pet, but hey Im a pretty pacifist sort of girl and I wouldn’t have actively hurt one. Hmmm. That was then. Now the little horrors have eaten my squashes, yes both of them with now a sign of leaf left. This is war. Snails and slugs go underfoot ( sorry!) and I have bought organic slug stufff which looks like cat litter ( maybe it is??). I have replanted and the new ones have a halo of broken eggshells and slug stuff round them and my fingers are firmly crossed.
Yesterday my first courgette burst into flower. That glorious gloden yellow trumpet and I can see another 6 just waiting to burst open. What a miracle.
There is something very therapeutic about pottering about in the garden. On so many levels it just works.