Monthly Archives: July 2011

Fat Girl Slim doing it my way


Things that get in my way my being fat:

Walking is harder, getting out of breath, achy joints and stiffness

Going to public toilets can be a squeeze

At a hotel spa in January this year the showers were so tight that I couldn’t get in and shut the door

I worry if I will break chairs when I sit on them or if they creak I imagine it must be because Im fat rather than the chair is wonky

Clothes are harder to find ie ones that I love

I think people are looking at me disapprovingly or with disgust

I don’t want to be ‘the fat one’ in a group

Going to the Dr usually means a comment about my weight

Being a fat child has painful memories

There are some things its genuinely hard or impossible to do as a fat person : horse riding, wearing a wet-suit and scuba diving, going on things that have a weight limit like hot air balloon rides or hang-gliding. And yes, I do want to do them. All of them

Cuddling up is more difficult

It is hard work carrying extra weight around – so I have less energy

I waddle when I walk

I lost my waist somewhere

It makes me feel older than I am

I sweat more and in more places than I care to mention


And now for the benefits :

I am genuinely going to think about this and see what I can come up with. Hmmmm. Nope. Sorry. Can’t come up with them. Using Mum as a way to get all the air out of the air beds when camping just doesnt make it into there. But it did make us laugh.

Having acknowledged the role that being fat has played and waved it goodbye I was thinking today just how much my absolute No 1 Top Priority for losing weight this year has become Health. Yes there are probably a million benefits to losing the weight and already I am seeing some of those with 2.5  stone off. I know that feeling better in myself, and looking better are happy moments but the health card just trumps the rest, hands down, no question. I guess hitting the 50’s plus makes a difference and the fact that this year I had a serious health complication which scared the everything out of me and made me realise that the time had come to stop pissing around and just deal with it!

Now some of that list up above are things that can be managed whatever size you are. And I am all for that. So there is no need to feel crap in your clothes, there are good plus size things out there and you deserve to look fab and feel great, whatever your size. I think there is sometimes the tendency to almost punish ourselves further for being fat. Gok Wan can show us in 10 minutes how to Look Good Naked with curves or without.

And there is no law against scuba diving or swimming while fat. Swimming I can do. Yes it can feel uncomfortable to be the fat girl at the pool or beach but I can do it and enjoy myself. I don’t feel that my whole self-confidence or self-esteem is based on my size BUT and it is a big but, everything about being fat makes sports more of a faff. Getting the gear, finding somewhere where you can do whatever it is best. A few years ago at an event with a group of friends thinking about sugar sensitivity someone organised a horse ride for an afternoon. This was in New Mexico where we were staying so it was a pretty awesome opportunity. But when it came to going we had to say what we weighed, gulp. Got that over with, only to be told I was several pounds over the weight that the horses could comfortably carry. Now I was told this very kindly and sensitively, it wasnt a public humiliation or anything but I was devastated. And it really made me think. Although not enough to lose the weight LOL. But now that remains one of my ambitions. I want to be on that ride, or one like it. Trekking in the mountains in Albuquerque, and with the horse being gald to have me!   

Whilst writing this blog I stumbled across this one on fat girls and surfing, Fantastic!! here

I have got pretty good over the years at dealing with fat-ist comments. I can hold my own thank you very much, make a joke in advance or deal with the Dr. But I don’t want to have to do that any more. I will support to my dying day women’s right not to conform to stereotypical images of beauty and acceptable ‘thin-ness’. I will hold out against discrimination against fat or skinny people just as I will against sexism, racism, homophobia and other intolerance. And the politics and economics of diets and fatness are a whole book in themselves. I will not buy into the size 10 or even worse size zero adoration. I will not contribute to the demon of anorexia, she will be defeated. But I will be myself, as I was meant to be.

Fat Girl Slim – Fat Suit Goodbye


A good week this week. Isn’t it amazing how feeling in control, eating the right amount of food for your body and doing some exercise improves your mood? Well it does mine. Today I’m happy, happy, happy. First weigh-in of this next phase of my journey to Slim Land and I have lost 5 lbs. Yay!

Of course I am still at the stage of needing to weigh myself naked, first thing in the morning and after potty but I am doing it the same time every week and trying to step away from the demon scales the rest of the time. In some ways I’d be happy not to have any scales at all. After all it’s not the numbers on them that matter one bit. I can tell if I am losing or gaining weight by my clothes and how I feel, move, walk etc. My ambition would be to reach a weight I am happy and healthy with then stay around there by knowing how my jeans fit.

I wore my new black jeans with the sparkle round the hem yesterday, and that’s another thing that made me feel good. Today I had on a new eBay jacket I’d been saving for this wedding. I can feel myself standing a bit taller and walking a bit better. I know I had got to a weight where I had crossed a line with my mobility. I suspect a bit of arthritis but I can see already how I am moving more easily. I am looking forward to letting go of this fat suit and being myself again.

I know the Fat Suit has had a role in my life. Nothing comes from nothing after  all and it has served its purpose. I suppose it can be a protection or a comfort blanket when we feel low or insecure, all the books tell us so. And that it can be a form of protection against attack or  what we are feeling is a ‘ bad bad situation” ( isn’t that the cue for a song?!). I tend to feel its the comfort eating that acts as the blanket, it is a way to numb out feelings, a  way to feel ‘treated’ or even a way to rebel against the rules or oppression. Well I’ve been there and done that. And I’m here to say to my Fat Suit,

Thank you for doing your best to look after me. Hey, you did a great job, better than even I anticipated!. But here I am back in business and I can look after myself again now. Plus I have some pretty good family and friends who are going to be right here beside me cheering me on, counting my points and celebrating success. And I want to be around with them and for them for a long while to come. So Fat Suit, I am letting you go. Your job here is done. I am blessing you and sending you on your way.”

Weekly Photo Challenge – Broken




For my 50th birthday we took a trip to Rome, the Missus and I and Sons 3 and 4. We had a wonderful few days of culture and pizza. The two statues were in the Colosseum museum, if you are that old it’s no wonder you’ve lost a head or two. i though it was only fair to show no discrimination between gender when broken. And both are still beautiful.

In a whole different context this photo was taken on the island of Anglesey in North Wales, one of my favourite places. This was incongruously placed at a workshop/ cafe we stumbled across selling jams and jellies. The owner had developed a passion for collecting old and broken signs, advertisements and of course That Car.

Fat Girl Slim goes SHOPPING


Well this week has gone well so far. I am sticking with the plan, counting my points and its maki g me focus on portion sizes and what foods are high and low. It all makes perfect sense when you think about it doesn’t it? Fill up with lots of veggies, keep to lean meats and fish, not too much fat or sugar. So far its going well.

I have had some new clothes this week too. I have discovered the joys of eBay fairly recently, sold quite a few things and have now, more dangerously, discovered the art of buying. Being a plus size as they say finding nice clothes that look good, feel good and don’t cost the earth or fall apart quickly is sometimes not easy. The High St isn’t brilliant although places like New Look are good for cheap and cheerful and Monsoon or M and S for the quality stuff. online shopping on the other hand puts the world at your credit card. And eBay means nice stuff at a bargain! I am going fr the middle-aged but colourful, comfortable and hopefully attractive look here. So a jacket from Indigo Moon and some fab new trousers from Quacker factory have made my week. The pale green crop trousers have a bit of sparkly bling on the zips on the calves and a pair of black jeans have some sparkle round the hem. Today a pair of summer trousers arrived that had cost me the grand total of 74p! Anyway I am now topping my eBay shopping extravaganza for a little while to allow myself to enjoy what I’ve got and not overspend. It has given me a great boost though to have some new clothes that fit now, make me smile and I hope look good. I think its hard when you are wanting to lose weight to know what to do about clothes. For a while its ok to carry on wearing the same things but some of my size 24 trousers are now too big and look baggy on which isnt the best look for being smart enough for work. Wearing leggings and bit T’s might be alright on a weekend but it just won’t cut it if I want to look professional!

Having also reduced my income I’m pretty keen not to spend too much on clothes. I love charity shops too but when you are big it’s not always easy to find anything to fit. Having said that one of my current favourites is an Ann Harvey top which came from the Salvation Army shop for £2.50. So I decided that this year my focus for couture is on charity shopping and eBay. It sort of feels like a win win. I make a donation from everything I sell to cancer charities via eBay, I reckon I should share the good fortune. And this way I get to have clothes that fit along the way, I can pass them on or sell them every time I go down a size or two and start all over again.

Weekly Photo Challenge – Colorful




This weeks photo challenge is ‘colourful’. This shot is of the Kids Field at Glastonbury festival 2010. Both times I have been the Kids Field is one of my favourite places. It is full of magic, colour and play just as every childhood should be. It’s a wonderful place to sit and watch the world go by, enjoy the crafts and play areas and watch shows designed for every age of child. As a 40 and 50 something the times I’ve been, my qualifications for entry are only that my inner child couldn’t resist.

I love this elephant, like all the best surprises we came across it unexpectedly in a walk through some gardens.

These gardens light up a busy road every Spring. The attention to detail and colour is awesome and traffic slows down every year to see them. The gardens and the gardener always seem to me like an act of altruism, they can be seen best by passers-by rather than the house owners. For a few weeks every year they are a source of utter joy.


Fat Girl Slim gets the Point.


It’s a whole new language isn’t it? Points. Not as in, ‘what is the..” but as in the divine weightwatchers system. Of course being a big girl I have done diets before and weightwatchers too in various incarnations. But I decided to sign up to their online system last week. I get a discount for joining from the NHS where I work so it seemed like a good enough sign to take the plunge and leap in.

I like having something to record what I’m eating and how much and cleverly the online programme works out your points and adds them up for you. here’s what they say about their philosophy, I kind of like it :

Our approach is built on four pillars that have the greatest impact on success. Our philosophy is that a person should:

▪ Learn to eat more healthfully
▪ Increase physical activity
▪ Learn to create and live in a supportive environment conducive to achieving a healthy weight
▪ Manage the challenges involved in changing behaviors weightwatchers on facebook

As those of you who’ve been around me a while know I’m pretty keen on what I’ve learnt and know from my own experience about sugar addiction and I have integrated the seven steps from Kathleen DesMaisons work into my life over the last few years. I see those as the cornerstone of my health and recovery. But I want to add in other things to help me on my journey to weight loss. There is so much wonderful information available to us and I love reading and researching about health and diets and nutrition as well as about addiction. It is a good way to employ my addictive personality from time to time into doing research!

So this is week one of WW online. I am getting my head round the points thing. With their new system all vegetables and most fruits are points free which is great. I am focusing on really increasing my veg anyway but I am trying to keep the fruit to meals and the lower sugar versions like berries as they suit my sugar sensitive biochemistry the best.

Activity points are another thing to ‘collect’. Apparently you can swap these for food. I am not sure my mind needs to get its head round do this then eat more! But I know movement and activity are Good Things and I love ticking boxes so that is helping me to move more too. Last night me and the Missus went back to the gym and had a swim at 8pm for half and hour. We came out feeling  refreshed and both slept well too. Very therapeutic.

So I am looking at this as the next step for me for now in my journey. I don’t see it as a competition between diets or programmes just a way of following a path towards health. I realise I am in this for the long haul. I have had my blips and fits and starts since January but the direction of travel has been the same. I am going to do this and do it well. One day this blog will say Fat Girl IS Slim.

New start, new day, same journey.

New Potatoes and Curly Carrots


It is a gorgeous summer day and I spent the afternoon tidying up the garden, mowing the grass ( I daren’t use the term ‘lawn’ under the Trades Descriptions Act), clipping the hedge with some help from son 3 and harvesting veggies.

This is our first crop of carrots, all curly and feathery topped. I wish I could do a scratch and sniff post so you could inhale the carrotty scent as they came up from the ground. I squeal with excitement at every vegetable that materialises. I also picked some tiny baby beetroot.

Tonight we are going to eat tuna steaks with steamed new potatoes, curly carrots and the tiny bettroots just for fun.

And after we are having strawberries and bluebrries which are right now marinading in a couple of spoonfuls of balsamic vinegar. Apparently they taste amazing with balsamic and fresh pepper so we will see. I didnt add the brown sugar as I know the fruit will be sweet enough for us! And psssst Im not doing sugar ( grin).

Food straight from the garden feeds the soul not just the body. Good food shared in good company makes your heart sing. I am lucky, I have both.

Mums’ world


Mums’ world is getting smaller. Where once an afternoon of sitting at a pavement cafe, ice cream in hand, and watching the world go by would have been heaven now it is all about the ice cream. She had a little tub of chocolate and Welsh cake ( yes Welsh cake!) flavour with a little plastic green spoon. After a minute or two she said rather plaintively ” I’m not getting any”. I realised she was using the spoon as a straw. It has elements of tragi-comedy this relentless journey towards the ending of this life. Even in this week I’ve seen a change in her. I have to remind her of the boys names and which is which on the photo we gave her today from her birthday tea on Monday. She didn’t remember which room was hers when we got home. She seems to be diminishing. Each time I see her I wonder how long we have. Silly to think ike that maybe but it is there at the back of my mind all the time. I don’t want her to go, but I hope she can before the dementia takes her away.

She must have been having a conversation with someone else at the home about age and birthdays, a favourite topic! She said

” I was talking to someone else and they are 87″,

I said, “That’s like you Mum, you’re 87 now aren’t you?”.

“How can that be?” she says, “How can we be the same? I don’t feel like they are my brothers or sisters”

. She didn’t understand that being born in the same year meant being the same age. Sometimes the cognitive dips and signs of another spark in her brain that has fizzled out take me aback and I find it hard to speak for a moment.

At her party we had a lounge room to ourselves with party food laid out on a table and flowers and a big birthday balloon. Another lady , who had just moved in and was also quite confused kept wandering by and knocking at the window. We invited her in of course and she sat drinking juice and eating a sandwich. ”

Is it someones birthday?”,

Yes its Margaret’s, Margaret this is Phyllis”,

“How old is she?”,

“Margaret is 87″,

” Oh not as old as me then”,

‘How old are you?”,

” I was born in 1921″,

“That makes you 90 this year then,”

“Does it?”.


” Is it someones birthday?”,

“Yes its Margaret’s, Margaret this is Phyllis”

…….repeat ad infinitum.

You have to laugh as they say, or you’d cry.

Fat Girl Slim cleans it up


Day 1 where today is always a new start. A week of over indulgence is a sure-fire way to end up feeling sick as a dog, fed up with myself  and with a fuzzy head and leaky emotions. Obviously not the best way to live my radiant healthy Fat Girl gets Slim life.

But round here we’re not going to do beating ourselves up, looking back or carrying on with heads in the sand. Oh no. This is Day One of the new me all over again. In good ol’ twelve step style I am singing along to ‘One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus..” and logging onto weight watchers online.

I made breakfast pancakes with oats and egg and milk with a handful of strawberries and blueberries and a topping of low-fat greek yogurt. They are an old favourite which actually tick all the boxes including feeling like a treat and the looking after myself one. I finished a great book by Phil Rickman and had a nap. I made lentil soup for lunch and now I am going to take the dog for a walk. 

I think today is a self-care day. Mend some bridges from my emotional leakage and settle back into just living life in the moment in the best way possible.

image from

Fat Girl Slim has another go





Had a pretty rubbish week. Too much sugar and not enough (any) movement. Did I mention my all or nothing tendencies?
Sugar fog means feeling exhausted, scattered thinking and not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. Much like depression and ‘I need a holiday syndrome’ which I have recently been diagnosed with by a proper professional (me).

I am feeling on a short fuse and in a vicious circle of feel crap eat sugar feel crap. My skin is bad, my stomach off and I need to sleep. So I thought writing it down and sharing the pain might help, if at least give me a kick up the bum.

So picture 1 is me as I am this week. Picture 2 is the what not to eat and number 3 is a plan of how I like it and what makes a difference, good veggies and plenty of them. It’s not like I don’t know what to do, right?
I reckon my first plan is to ‘fess up and make myself accountable. Next is to write down what I’m eating and deal with it.

Then I need to clean it up. One day at a time..

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