Talking to me is something I do quite a lot. Mostly I try to do it in my head but sometimes, like tonight after work when I was walking the dog, I forget and have those conversations out loud. So there is this middle-aged round woman in a green T-shirt with a beetroot stain on it from lunchtime, wandering around the field and talking to herself. The dog meanwhile is off investigating interesting sniffing material and getting a sneaky chew of the long grass. Still, it means people leave me alone to my meanderings which is just what I need.
I have had an odd sort of day today. I was feeling quite anxious this morning, which is something I have had much less of the last few months,. It’s always a bit of a shock when it resurfaces. Before I experienced being really ill with anxiety I never understood quite how horrible and gut wrenching it is. For me that’s where I feel it first, in my stomach. other people experience it as headaches or a tight feeling in the chest but for me its a low gnawing sensation. I couldn’t really put my finger on what it was about except I’d got a pretty busy work day with one thing after another and all of them being quite intense. I had to have a talk with me about that. It went something like this” It’s ok you can do it”, and “take it one bit at a time, if it gets too bad we can take another look at it”. I know how much progress I’ve made because I didn’t end up crying, panicking and not being able to function and I did get through the day and enjoy my job which is how I like it.
It’s days like this when I’m glad of routines. I had a great breakfast – my green shake from yesterday plus some porridge. I made my lunch and took a fork with me so I could eat it in the car between meetings. I took a bottle of water and my fish oil caps that I’m trying to remember to take every day. Just those little self-care things that make me feel anchored and stop me lurching for a diet coke and a chocolate bar.
When I got home, after a successful day, I felt a bit teary and emotional. What was that all about? I think it was a mixture of relief and a letting go of the tension. So I had a plan. Firstly take the dog for a walk. We have a routine walk that he knows as well as I do, so its a no brainer, change my shoes, get doggy bags and lead and get out in the evening sunshine. Whilst we were out I was thinking and talking to myself about what to eat when I got back. There is just me for an hour or two. Missus has gone out for tea with friends, two sons are away for the week with their dad and one son is permanently attached to his girlfriend at the moment. So my conversation was a lot about what I could be bothered to cook and what was good for me! I’ve settled on vegetarian spicy bean burgers with salad from the garden, tomatoes and beetroot and wholemeal pittas. The great thing with the bean burgers is that they sort of mush nicely with a fork when they are cooked and squeeze into a pitta with lots of sald to make a yummy spicy fresh mouthful
This is a lesson in why planning what you are eating before you are starving is important! I’m pretty sure ive made too much and will get stuffed half way through. but I can talk to myself about it and I know I’ll make sense.