Denial is a wonderful thing


Apple Blossom this spring in our garden

Feeling low today. It was a real effort to a) get out of bed and b) get dressed, breakfast, get to work. Mainly I think I am feeling sadness and grief. Anticipatory grief I suppose as well as sadness at the change in the last week with Mum. I think it sort of hit me in a different way that she may not be here much longer. It’s a weird time. There is the knowing that there is nothing specific to be done. I see here every day and we are organising a family rota so someone else pops in too most days. But some days it is hard to get my head where it should be for work and other things. I can concentrate on what I need to do and then my mind drifts off. I check my phone constantly. I have it on silent or vibrate but then worry I have missed a call even though I know they can ring me on the office phone in an emergency. At night I have started having anxiety dreams. Last night I was in a car which was sliding backwards down a hill on thick ice. I had the hand-brake on but couldn’t stop it from slowly rolling away.

I thought about not going in to work today but made myself dress and put some make-up on. My make-up is a good indication of my mood, although only I can interpret it! When I’m low sometimes making myself get my moisturiser on a bit of mascara and some lip gloss is a good sign of ‘putting my face on’ to meet the day. Lip gloss is a big signal. Today I re-applied it several times! Of course I may also wear it to weddings and happy events so don’t take my word for this, I can be contrary too. So I got through today. Working with families sometimes makes me realise how lucky I am, today was one of those days. Also today a colleague went off on maternity leave. She is having her first baby and has been glowing with excitement and anticipation throughout the pregnancy. Today in her bright pink top she looked like a luminous space hopper. I gave her a bunch of freesia just because they smelt so sweet.

Mums' garden

Tonight Mum was asleep or dozing when I visited. I read the paper and made small talk and she knew I was there and occasionally responded. She is very tired but seemed quite peaceful today. We are waiting for a special nursing bed so she can be moved more easily and be propped up more so she can have a different view. I will try to speak to the District Nurse tomorrow. They have to put in a request to the PCT ( Primary Care Trust) and a ‘Urgent” request went in last week. Urgent seems to have more than one meaning. She is wearing one of her new nighties that we bought last weekend and looking pretty and well cared for.You hera such awful stores of old people in care homes wearing other people’s clothes and not having their hair brushed. I am so glad Mum always looks nice and the staff take such a pride in their work. I am so glad we live nearby and can keep an eye too on what is happening.

Today is a day when it was so good to get home. We chatted over the day and have eaten our dinner of nut cutlets, salad and wholemeal pittas. I am feeling hibernating tendencies. I want to go to bed and hide under the covers where I can feel safe. I want to be a child again snuggled up with no serious things to think about and to pretend this sadness has gone away. I’m glad I can have a hug, a cup of tea and  maybe sleep it all away for a moment. Denial is a wonderful thing. And real life will be here again tomorrow.

Mum 2009


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